


When it Began

by IvanW



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Trauma, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, Fire, Flashbacks, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Gay Sex, Graphic Violence, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Jim's a Child in Flashbacks, M/M, Memories, New Year's Eve, Post-Star Trek Beyond, Starts On New Year's Eve and Continues, Tarsus IV, Yorktown, references to cannibalism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2017-05-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 13:50:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9074683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: Jim tells Spock about his experiences on Tarsus IV





	1. Chapter 1

He knew the moment he was no longer alone. Even before his Vulcan first officer actually approached him, footsteps soft and surprisingly tentative.

“Hi, Spock.”

“Captain. You are not at the festivities.”

Jim smiled very slightly. “All another year passing reminds me of is that I’m getting older.”

“You generally engage in merriment that includes indulgence in alcohol.”

“Not this particular one,” he said softly, leaning in to the glass.  Yorktown. A place he was beginning to wonder if he’d ever get to leave. Ships took time to build, he knew. And he was grateful they were even rebuilding her.  “What about you? I thought you and Uhura would be at the party together.”

Spock did not respond at first and when he did his tone was more distant. “She expressed a desire to maintain some distance between us for the time being.”

Jim glanced at him. “Are you two back to having difficulties? I thought you’d reconciled.”

“It seemed we would, but many of the reasons we grew apart remain an obstacle to a romantic relationship between us.” He seemed to move closer to Jim, but then Spock always maintained the perfect distance, so Jim suspected he was imagining things.

“That’s…I’m sorry, Spock,” Jim made himself say. He knew that was the appropriate thing to say to your friend.

“No apology is necessary. I believe in time Nyota and I will be friends. As we were prior to the commencement of our romantic relationship.”

Jim almost asked how they went from friends to lovers, for pointers? No. Just morbid curiosity he supposed. But really he wasn’t in the mood for that conversation with Spock right now. Maybe he never would be, but on tonight of all nights…no.

“Would you like to play a game of chess, Captain?”

Jim knew that Ambassador Spock played chess with his Captain Kirk. And not from the meld they’d had so long ago—that information dump really—but rather because Ambassador Spock told him himself. He didn’t talk all that often with the ambassador. But the few times they had, it had been reminisces of his time with that other James Kirk.

The thing was, that was another difference between him and that Kirk. Jim had never learned chess. He was too busy getting himself in trouble.

But he suspected maybe the ambassador had also told Spock that they had played chess together. Spock told him once that the ambassador advised he wouldn’t share too much information about his own life and time. Apparently he’d had no such qualms about it with Jim. Odd. But he might have told Spock that much.

“Captain?”

“Sorry, Spock. I was thinking about the ambassador.”

“Oh?”

“I guess one of the things you do on a day like this is think about those you’ve lost. Anyway, sorry, Spock. I don’t actually know how to play chess.”

“I see.”

Jim told himself he imagined the disappointment he thought he heard in Spock’s voice. After all Spock had no real reason to be disappointed in Jim’s lack of interest in chess. He seemed to have a habit of imagining things having to do with Spock.

Spock seemed to hesitate then. Probably wondering if it was worth it to bother with Jim further for the night.

Jim saved him the trouble. “I’m going back to my suite if you’d like to join me for a cup of tea.”

“I was unaware that you drank tea, Captain.”

But Spock fell into step beside him as Jim headed toward the exit of the observation room he’d found himself in earlier that night. It looked over the west side at a mass of twisted and oddly shaped buildings and lifts that no doubt some genius engineers and architects had spent many hours of work developing.

“Not every day. Or even every month. It’s something I drink when I don’t feel quite right.”

Spock’s steps faltered but he recovered quickly as they reached the turbolift that would lift them to the deck that led to their temporary home on Yorktown. “If you are unwell I will notify Doctor McCoy at once.”

“Not physically unwell, Spock.”

He followed Jim out of the turbolift and down the clear glass walkway to the building that housed their quarters. Jim’s was really a suite of rooms that were far too extravagant for his needs. But Commodore Paris had insisted.  Once inside the building, they rode up another lift to the top floor of the building which was made up of Jim’s entire living space.

There was a living room, a full kitchen and dining room, another room known as a den, two bedrooms to the left along with a private bathroom for each and a master bedroom to the right that included a bathroom that was bigger than some of the places Jim had lived back on Earth. The bathroom had a walk in shower encased in glass as well as a jetted whirlpool tub.

Jim walked into the kitchen and turned to the replicator, suddenly hyper aware of Spock being there with him.  Spock hadn’t ever been in Jim’s quarters on the ship now that he thought about it. He’d been in Spock’s maybe five times in the time they’d served together and only for a few minutes at a time. He recalled one particular time when Spock had not been alone.

“Tea provides you with emotional comfort?” Spock asked into the awkward silence.

“Yeah.” He turned from the replicator and handed a cup of tea to Spock and took his own with him to sit on the couch in the living room, inviting Spock to join him.

“Doctor McCoy did not wish to spend the evening with you?”

“Bones was having dinner with an Orion girl he met in the bar actually. And I think after, they were going to the party.”

“And you are certain you don’t want to attend yourself?”

Jim smiled slightly as he lifted the tea to his lips. “I’m sure. New Year’s Eve is nothing but a bad memory for me.”

Spock cocked his head. “In what way, may I ask?”

“I was on Tarsus IV,” Jim said softly. “New Year’s Eve was when it started.”  


	2. Chapter 2

“Well, it started before that really. Before I even got to Tarsus. So maybe I should start there.

My part in it started, I guess, when I sent my stepfather’s classic car over a cliff. Don’t look at me like that, Spock. You have no idea what it was like. What he was like. The only one who did besides me was my brother, Sam, and that fucker took off and left me to deal with Frank. Anyway, after I got out of the hospital—”

“You were in the car when it went over the cliff?” Spock asked, his tone sounding oddly cold.

“No. I wasn’t injured in the crash. After Frank got to me.” Jim paused for a moment. “As I was saying—”

“How many times did you end up in the hospital because of his actions?”

“Spock, let me tell my story.”

“But—”

“It’s hard enough to talk about it. I don’t tell anyone about my experiences. Bones only knows a few details. It was Mom who decided to send me away. I thought maybe it was a good thing. But on the other hand, the devil you know…”

 

“Jim, hurry up. You’ll be late for the transport!”

Jim heard his mom yell from downstairs. He stared at this suitcase, still open to his belongings. Clothes, a PADD, a few model spaceships. His medicines.  Nothing all that great, really. If he left it all behind it wouldn’t really matter.

“James Tiberius!”

He sighed, licked his dry lips, and zipped the lid closed. With a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach he couldn’t exactly explain, Jim glanced around his bedroom. He’d lived in this room for twelve years. Almost thirteen. He’d had his thirteenth birthday last month, but his mom hadn’t come here until a year after he was born.

He lifted the closed suitcase off his bed and walked to the door. He spared one final glance for the room, wondering if he’d ever be back again.

Not if he could help it.

Fuck Frank anyway.

She was waiting for him at the foot of the stairs. Her hands were on her hips and she looked irritated.

“You aren’t getting out of this by missing your transport. I’ll just put you on another.”

“I’m not trying to get out of it,” he said under his breath.

“Stop mumbling. Get your coat.”

“Can’t I just stay here?”

“No, you can’t just stay here. I’ve got to go back to my ship and there’s no one here to take care of you.”

“I can take care of myself.”

“You’re thirteen. And you can’t come with me.”

Frank was history at least. One good thing came out of all of this. Unfortunately, not literally. But his Mom was done with Frank, anyway.

Jim shrugged his coat on and pulled the zipper up.

His mother was pursing her lips. “No one else wanted to deal with you and that’s the truth. You’re too much trouble. You can blame yourself for that. You have a reputation among the family for being a juvenile delinquent.”

“Fuck them anyway,” Jim said sullenly.

He got his ear pulled for his trouble.

“Watch your mouth,” his mother said, twisting it between her fingers. “Now go outside and get in the car.”

His ear still burning from her pinch, Jim made his way outside, lugging his suitcase and pretending not to look back at the house. After he slung his suitcase into the trunk of the hover car, Jim shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans and stared back at the farmhouse.

This was it and he knew it. His home for most of his life.

Only not any more.

She’d talked about maybe selling it since she was going to be off planet again. Jim, too. And he didn’t even know how he felt about it being sold. How was he supposed to feel?

She reached the hover car. “Get in.”

Jim did.

His mom glanced at him as they pulled away and this time Jim didn’t look back. What would be the point anyway?

The trip to the shuttle bay was far too fast and they were getting out of the car and heading inside.

“What’s this place called again?” Jim asked.

“Tarsus IV. It’s an agricultural colony. My friend Mona from my days at the academy and her husband are colonists there. They’ve agreed to take you in until either my assignment is over or I can make alternative arrangements for you.”

“What about grand—”

“I told you. Nobody wants you, Jim. We’re lucky Mona is willing or you’d end up in foster care.”

Jim didn’t even flinch at the careless words thrown his way. He was used to it really. At some point your only choice was to be numb.

She grabbed his arm then and dragged him with her to the board with the shuttle departures listed.

“They’re already boarding. You really did almost miss it. Gate 4. Hurry.”

“Aren’t you coming with me to the gate?”

“I don’t have time for that! I have to get going. I need to go back to the house and get it closed up and be on my way.”

“All right,” Jim said, trying to ignore the lump forming in his throat. He didn’t even know when he would see her again. He opened his arms to hug her goodbye.

“There’s no time!” She snapped. “You’re late. And anyway, you’re too old for that, Jim. Go on now. Message me when you get there.”

She was hurrying away from him before he even turned away himself. For a moment, maybe less than ten seconds really, he stared after her, willing her to change her mind, and take her with him after all.

Jim swallowed heavily, blinking away moisture that definitely wasn’t there, turned and ran for the shuttle.

It was crowded by the time he’d had his suitcase stowed. There was only one seat left. One between an older woman who looked down her nose at him as though he had the plague or something and a man that kept sniffing and snorting his own snot.

It was a long journey.


	3. Chapter 3

Spock’s teacup rattled in his hands.

Jim stopped with a frown. “Spock, are you okay?”

“Yes. I—yes.” The cup rattled again and nearly spilled over. He set it down on the end table next to him.

“No, you aren’t. What’s wrong?”

“I find myself…emotionally compromised,” Spock admitted softly.

“Over what I’m telling you?” Jim asked, surprised. Outside there was a flash of fireworks, but Jim barely paid them heed except to wonder how they managed that in a snow globe, as Bones called it.

“Yes. I have never met your mother and yet…” Spock looked away.

“Look, if this is making you uncomfortable, I don’t have to continue.”

“It-It is not making me uncomfortable.” Spock shook his head. “Indeed it is. But I believe that I need to know all that contributed to the man you are now. A man I greatly respect and admire.”

Jim felt his face heat and knew he was turning red. Damn fair skin. But Spock just didn’t say things like that. Not to him. Well. Not to anyone that Jim knew of.

“However,” Spock continued. “If you do not mind, I do believe a short break for both of us is in order.”

“I don’t mind.” And this time he knew he didn’t imagine that Spock had moved closer on the couch. Prior to the beginning of telling Spock about Tarsus IV, Spock had been sitting on the opposite end of the couch from Jim. And now he sat directly beside him. “If it makes you feel any better, I have a better relationship with her now than I did then. And she is remorseful for all that happened.”

“As she should be. As anyone should be.” Spock held out his hand toward Jim’s. “May I?”

It seemed significant that Spock wanted Jim’s hand and he wasn’t even sure why. But with only a slight hesitation, he laid his hand in Spock’s.

Spock turned Jim’s hand palm up, and traced his index finger on what was commonly known as the lifeline on Jim’s palm. It sent an unexpected shiver up Jim’s spine. Jim’s startled gaze met Spock’s dark fathomless one.

“I had,” Spock began, his voice a low rumble that suddenly cracked. He cleared his throat.

“Spock?”

“I had hoped to declare myself tonight under perhaps more celebratory circumstances.”

“Declare yourself?”

Spock moved his index and middle fingers over to Jim’s, stroking gently across them. “Do you know the significance of this, Jim?”

 _Jim_? Not…captain?

“I-I know Vulcans are touch telepaths.”

“Indeed. Although in certain circumstances it is not necessary to touch in order to share certain thoughts.”

Jim nodded slowly. “Like with the Horta.”

“Yes,” Spock murmured softly. He stroked Jim’s fingers again. “ _This_ is a show of affection between Vulcans and those they hold in high esteem.”

Jim’s lungs seized. “Wait. Like-like a kiss?”

“A simplification, but essentially, yes.” Spock paused. His gaze was on their now entwined hands. “Do you understand my declaration now, Jim?”

“No,” he said in a rush.

He felt Spock tense and then his hand slacken on Jim’s. “If my regard is not reciprocated then—”

“Your regard?” Jim pulled his hand away and stood abruptly, turning away from Spock. His heart was pounding so hard it was no wonder he wasn’t having a heart attack. “You don’t…I don’t…it’s impossible.”

Spock rose from the couch. “Impossible? Surely not. But I can see that I have given you unwelcome information. Perhaps I should depart.”

Jim closed his eyes. “Please.”

Spock went to turn away. Went to leave.

“Don’t.” Jim opened his eyes. “Please don’t.”

He was ridiculously relieved when Spock stopped in his tracks and turned back around.

“You are used to believing you are not wanted,” Spock said quietly. “Is this not true?”

Jim couldn’t meet his eyes. He simply nodded.

“At least for something other than sexual gratification.” Spock stepped over to where Jim stood. “I have nothing against sexual gratification myself.”

Jim’s wide blue eyes flew to Spock’s.

“However, I want far more than that from you.” Spock paused. “If you will allow it.”

Jim wet his lips. He wasn’t sure what to say. He knew what he wanted. “Spock, I…the thing is…I don’t know what someone like you would see in me.”

“Someone like me?”

“You’re the best. You could have anyone in the universe. Or any universe. And I-I just—”

Spock put his hand on Jim’s shoulder, then moved his fingers toward Jim’s neck, gently caressing there. “Your value to me is without compare. In time, I hope to show you.”

“Then…you won’t leave?”

“I will not. Not unless you wish for me to do so.”

“No. I want you to stay.” Jim searched Spock’s eyes but there was nothing there but acceptance and warmth. Warmth he’d seen before, but never quite recognized.

“When you are ready,” Spock said, his touch gentling more.  “I would like to hear more of your story.”

Jim nodded. “We’d better get comfortable then.”

They returned to sitting on the couch, Spock now not even pretending to keep his distance. He sat so close to Jim, Jim might as well have been sitting on Spock’s lap.

“The entire time I was on that shuttle, I kept thinking of ways I could sneak onto another shuttle once we landed and go somewhere else where they’d never find me. Orion, Tellar Prime, just about anywhere. I had it all planned out in my head. No one cared about me anyway.

But when the shuttle landed, Mona was waiting for me. I couldn’t have gone anywhere without her noticing. She obviously knew exactly who I was.”

 

A very tall, thin woman with dark hair streaked with gray that she’d pinned to the top of her head, immediately approached Jim the moment he stepped off the walkway of the shuttle.

“James Tiberius Kirk?”

“No,” Jim immediately denied.

She raised her brows. “You’re him. I’d recognize those blue eyes anywhere. Tommy, come here.”

A boy, perhaps a couple years older than Jim, suddenly appeared. He wore a windbreaker and jeans and his hands were shoved into the pockets of his jacket.

“I’m Mona Leighton, of course, and this is my son Tom. I have a couple of younger sons too, but they’re at home with their dad. Tommy, this is James Kirk.”

“Jim,” he automatically corrected.

Tom Leighton nodded stiffly at Jim but said nothing.

“Let’s go collect your luggage,” Mona said. “Of course, as I am sure your mother told you, we’re agricultural farmers. You and Tom will be sharing a room. You’ll be put to work. No one sits around doing nothing here.”   


	4. Chapter 4

“Thomas Leighton? Dr. Thomas Leighton the empirical researched scientist, who is occasionally brilliant?” Spock asked.

“Yes, that’s him.”

“I was unaware you knew Dr Leighton.”

Jim nodded. “I definitely knew him. Still do, actually, though admittedly it’s been a while since I’ve been in contact with either him or his wife, Martha.”

“I was also unaware he was a survivor of Tarsus IV.”

“Well, that was kind of the point, really. Being classified. And many of us can’t or won’t talk about it. But yeah, Tom was a survivor. But the cost—”

 

“This is my room,” Tom said to Jim as he led him into a small bedroom which had a closet, a single dresser, and bunk beds. He eyed Jim as though Jim were nothing but an unwanted intruder. Jim was used to that. “I guess you can use the bottom two drawers in the dresser for your stuff.”

“Okay.”

“You don’t sleep walk, do you?”

“No.”

“Wet the bed?”

“No!”

Tom shrugged. “Fine then. You sleep on the top bunk then.”

Jim stepped over to the dresser with his suitcase.

“I used to have a double bed but Mom traded it for these when she found out you were being dumped on us.”

Jim nodded. “Okay.”

“What you do anyway?”

“Maybe I murdered someone,” Jim said defiantly, as he stuffed his things into the drawers. He didn’t turn around to see Tom’s reaction.

“Did you?” Tom asked, sounding rather bored at the idea.

“No,” Jim admitted. “I drove Frank’s car off a cliff.”

He straightened and turned around to see Tom assessing him.

“Who’s Frank?”

“The dickhead my mother married. I’m not sorry.”

“How old are you, James?”

“Jim and I’m thirteen.”

“You like boys or girls?”

Jim shrugged. “Both.”

Tom smiled a little. “Guess we’ll get along all right then.”

 

“Tom was right about that. We got to be close friends pretty fast. Mona was nice, but I barely saw Tom’s dad, Albert. Albert was an agricultural scientist working in the capitol city. Mona and her sons, as well as me when I got there, worked the farm. We grew grain, which was the main food source there.

At first, everything was pretty good. Mona wasn’t very motherly to any of us, but she was good, nice, nothing like Frank, so that was a huge thing in her favor. She left it up to us to do most things. Tom said she believed it built up independence. A lot of the time, Tom cooked for us and sometimes I would help when he would let me. Tom liked to show off, especially in front of me. He was only a couple of years older than me and we sort of became a thing.”

Spock raised a brow. “A thing?”

“Kissing and fondling and stuff. He called me his boyfriend to anyone who asked. We never really got further than kissing and jerking each other off while I was there. If the famine and the riots hadn’t come, I don’t know, it might have got further. But that never happened.”

“His parents didn’t object?”

“They didn’t know. We kept it a secret from them. Tom’s brothers were a lot younger than him. They didn’t know either. But we had this group of friends we’d get together with later. At night. Smoking and drinking.”

 

“Come and sit on my lap, Jim,” Tom called out, patting his leg.

Tom was sitting on a big bale of hay. Or what passed for hay on Tarsus IV, anyway. Jim didn’t know what it actually was. The bales were in the Leighton yard just outside the barn. They could see the lights burning from the Leighton house from where they were located. About ten minutes earlier, they’d seen Albert come home.

Besides Tom and Jim that night, they were joined by Kevin Riley, a younger boy than Jim, maybe eleven or so, as well as Kevin’s older sister, Mary, who was Tom’s age, and another girl named Helen, who’d come along with Mary. Mary had brought two bottles of wine from her house as well as a bottle of whiskey. Tom and Jim had brought the smokes.

Jim took the offered seat of Tom’s lap, figuring it was bound to be more comfortable than the bales of hay. Tom took a drag on his cigarette and then handed it to Jim.

“So there are all kinds of rumors going on,” Helen said, taking a swig from one of the bottles of wine.

“You know better than to listen to rumors, Helen.” Nancy took the bottle from her and took a swig herself.

“What are these rumors?” Tom asked after sharing a smoke circle with Jim.

Helen looked around, then lowered her voice, “The crops are going bad.”

“The crops?” Tom scoffed.

“What do you mean bad?” Jim asked.

“Contaminated,” she whispered.

“Contaminated?” Kevin cried loudly.

“Shh,” Helen said, waving her hand at him. “Not so loud. You never know who could be listening.”

“Now you’re getting paranoid.” Tom handed the whiskey to Jim, who took a swallow.

Jim made a face at the burn. “Contaminate by what?”

“Some fungus.” Helen shrugged. “Came from somewhere else I guess. Anyway, they called it an exotic fungus and that it was taking over everything. It spreads real fast. And no one knows how to stop it.”

“That’s bullshit. We were on the farm earlier today. Our crops are fine.”

Jim nodded. “That’s true. I didn’t see any sign of anything.”

“Well, I don’t know.” She leaned over and began kissing Mary passionately. Several minutes passed while Mary and Helen continued to make out.

Tom shook his head at Jim. Then he turned to Kevin. “You probably ought to close your eyes, kid. And ease up on that. You’re just a baby.” He grabbed the whiskey out of Kevin’s hands. Kevin had taken it from Jim.

“I’m not a baby,” Kevin insisted.

“Still you shouldn’t be watching. It will probably corrupt you.”

Jim laughed. “As if you haven’t already corrupted everyone around you.”

Tom smirked. “I have not yet begun to defile you.”

Jim shook his head and flicked his head in Kevin’s direction.

“Yeah, I know. Kev, you probably ought to go home.”

“I don’t wanna walk home by myself in the dark.”

Jim sighed and got off Tom’s lap. “I’ll take him.”

Mary broke off kissing Helen long enough to advise her brother, “Go in through the window so Mom and Dad don’t smell anything on you.”

“Okay.”

She went right back to kissing.

“Come right back,” Tom told Jim.

“Like where else would I go?” He rolled his eyes and grabbed Kevin’s arm. “Come on, Kev.”

 Fortunately the Riley family lived next to the Leightons. It was only about a mile walk between the homesteads.

“Jim?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you-do you think Helen is right?”

“About what?”

“About the food. Is it contaminated?”

Jim shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s hard to tell about something like that. But I wouldn’t worry.”

They stopped near the Riley house. Toward the back where Kevin’s bedroom was.

“Yeah? You think it’ll be okay?”

Jim smiled. “Sure it will. So what if there’s some fungus? I’m sure they’ll fix it and everything will be okay. Mona says Governor Kodos is smart. He’ll handle it.”

“Yeah.” Kevin brightened. “My mom says the same thing. Thanks, Jim. I trust you.”

“Go on into your room. I’ll wait until you get inside.”

Kevin bit his lip and nodded. He went to the window, pushed it up and then crawled inside. He waved to Jim and Jim waved back.

Jim began the walk back, but he stepped over to the Riley crops first. It was too dark to see anything, really. But there was an odd…smell. Jim didn’t like it. At all.      


	5. Chapter 5

“You were astute even then,” Spock said quietly.

“Not astute enough. I mean, I knew the smell was off, but in the dark I couldn’t really see anything. So I went back to the others and didn’t mention anything that night. We all got to talking about other things and then eventually Mary and Helen went home and Thomas and I returned to the Leighton house.”

“Were the Leighton crops contaminated?”

“Not at that point. I checked in the morning, before school, and everything seemed fine. So I kind of put it out of my head. No one else other than Helen was even talking about it then. This was, I don’t know, maybe late summer.”

Jim’s communicator beeped. He picked it up and looked at it. “Bones. I should probably talk to him.”

Spock nodded.

“Hey, Bones. No, I’m not alone. I’m with Spock. He’s here in my suite and we’re having tea together.” Jim laughed softly. “No, really. Say hi, Spock.”

“Good evening, Doctor McCoy.”

“See? How’s it going with that girl? Good, good, glad you’re having a good time. No, I told you. We’re drinking tea. I’m not sick. Go back to your date and stop worrying. And Bones, Happy New Year.”

He flipped the communicator closed. Smiled a little. “He worries about me.”

“We all do.”

“There’s really no need,” Jim replied, not giving in to the flush of pleasure he felt.

“Nevertheless.”

Jim stroked his fingers along Spock’s and then glanced out the window toward the rest of Yorktown.

“It was probably another month before we started worrying.”

 

“What are you doing?” Jim asked Tom.

He had come upon Tom lurking in the hallway outside his parents’ bedroom.

Tom put his finger to his lips and shook his head.

Jim frowned and moved closer. He could hear Mona and her husband, Albert, speaking in hushed tones. He strained to hear.

“Is it true then?” Mona asked.

“I’m afraid so. Most of the commercial crops are already wiped out. Some of the privately owned crops haven’t been hit yet but Kodos is seizing those.”

“Surely there’s a backup plan in place.”

“Nobody seems to know,” Albert replied.

“But surely there are storages of grain that hasn’t been hit by the fungus.”

“There were some, yeah, but those are gone too. This has been going on for months, Mona.”

“Months?” She sounded winded almost.

“This kind of massive disaster doesn’t happen in a day. It’s been going on for a while. Hidden from the population. Maybe even as far back as the beginning of the year. Or before.”

“That long?”

“The government has been keeping this quiet but it’s been starting to leak out. One of the last storage units was broken into last month and all the grain stolen.”

“Fuck,” she whispered. “The Rileys next door? She said her crops are ruined. Contaminated with the fungus. They’re ripping out what’s left. Suppose-suppose that fungus spreads here. What will we do, Bertie?”

“Kodos’ people will seize our crops even if they don’t get the fungus.”

“But—”

Albert then closed the bedroom door, making it impossible to hear whatever else they said.

Tom grabbed Jim’s arm and pulled him away and then out of the house. They passed his little brothers playing in the living room as they went.

Tom began to pace once they were outside.

“You know what this means?” he asked Jim.

“Not entirely.”

“Grownups. They never want to tell us anything. I wouldn’t know squat if I didn’t listen.”

Jim frowned, crossing his arms over his chest, as he leaned against a wall of the barn. “If it’s all the crops, does that mean—?”

“It means a famine, is what it means. There are eight thousand people on this planet. The grain crops are what feed us.” Tom shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “There was little natural food sources on Tarsus IV when it was settled. Most of the crops we grow here are imported from other planets.”

“Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe they didn’t have natural food sources here because things like that fungus exist.”

Tom shook his head. “Helen said the fungus came from somewhere else.”

“Yeah but maybe that’s what’s happened to this planet in the past. Some ecosystems are fragile and can’t handle outside influences.”

Tom gave him a little smirk. “What do you know about it, squirt?”

“I know things.” Jim sighed. “I’ll bet it’s not all that bad. I bet Governor Kodos will contact the Federation and they’ll send us food.”

“I’m sure they’re doing that,” Tom agreed. “In the meantime, food might be scarce for a while.” Tom looked up at the sky. “I don’t know. Maybe you and I can steal a ship and get off this rock.”

“Easier said than done. I had to take four different shuttles to get to this star system,” Jim reminded him. “Do you know how to pilot a ship?”

“No,” Tom admitted. “But between the two of us, I bet we could figure it out.”

“And your parents? Your brothers? You’d leave them behind.”

“ _I don’t know_.” Tom kicked a rock in frustration. “All I know is, I wish they’d tell us exactly what’s going on. Trying to figure this all out on our own is bullshit. And I hate not doing anything.”   

The sound of buzzing and then engines of hover vehicles had Jim straightening away from the barn. Tom turned toward the sound too.

Suddenly the doors of the house opened and Albert and Mona Leighton came outside.

Military vehicles appeared, coming toward their farm.

“You boys go inside the house,” Albert ordered.

“But Dad—”

“Now.”

Tom shot his father a mutinous look, but took Jim’s arm and led him inside. Tom went right to the windows, Jim right beside him.

They couldn’t hear a thing from inside, but Jim didn’t figure they really needed to. One of Kodos’ soldiers, the one in charge, no doubt, approached the Leightons. After several minutes of conversation, they suddenly pointed phasers at Albert. Tom tensed beside him.

“Tommy, what’s going on?” One of Tom’s little brothers came up to tug on Tom’s shirt. “What’s that noise?”

“Never mind that,” Tom said. “Go back to the living room and stay away from any windows.”

Jim watched the little boy head back to the living room. His stomach was in knots and he was sweating bullets. He moved closer to Tom.

“Tom, what—”

Tom shook his head.

Albert dropped to his knees and as they watched, the military police cuffed his hands behind his back. Mona stepped forward to stop them and was shoved away for her trouble.

As they watched, Albert was dragged to his feet and pulled toward one of the hover cars. Two soldiers walked toward the fields where the crops were growing.

After some more conversation with Mona, the military police left except for the ones who had gone to their fields.

Tom immediately went outside to his mother. Jim could do nothing but follow after.

“Mom? Where’d they take Dad?” Tom asked.

Mona was hugging herself, staring off in the direction they’d gone. “He’s a prisoner of Kodos.”

“A prisoner? What-what will they do with him?”

She shook her head and walked back toward their house leaving Jim and Tom outside.

Tom swallowed heavily and glanced at Jim. “What the fuck?”


	6. Chapter 6

Spock noticed that his captain looked more and more exhausted as he told his tale. He was shrinking in on himself and leaning more heavily against Spock.

“Jim,” he spoke softly. “Perhaps it would be better for you to rest now. It is quite late.”

Jim’s blue eyes tried to focus on Spock but there was an odd distance in them that Spock found quite disturbing. And distressing. He put his hand to Jim’s face.

“Jim.”

Jim slowly nodded. “I am getting tired. I thought-I thought I could just get this out and done with. You could maybe understand me a little better. It’s harder than I even thought.”

“You do not have to continue if it is too stressful for you.” Spock hesitated. “But if you wish to tell me, I would like to know.”

“Isn’t there-I mean you could meld us, right?”

“Yes. But you have expressed a reluctance in the past for melding.”

“When I was on Delta Vega Ambassador Spock melded us so that he could expeditiously convey what had happened to him concerning Nero and Romulus. There was…a lot of emotional transference.”

Spock stroked his thumb across Jim’s jaw. “This was unpleasant.”

“He felt he was responsible for the loss of six billion lives. Not to mention the loss of Romulus in his own universe.” Jim paused. “Yeah, unpleasant.”

Spock nodded. “I can understand your reluctance.”

“It’s more a concern for you then for me. I’ve experienced it. And yeah, it was…there aren’t any words, really, but if you melded us, I’m concerned about transference for you.”

“For now, let me get you to bed where you can rest,” Spock suggested.

Jim stood up then, but he looked out the window at Yorktown as he passed. “I guess the celebrations are over now.”

“It would seem so.”

“Good. I hate it.”

****

Spock had offered to leave for the night if his captain wished to enjoy his slumber alone, but Jim, his eyes sad, had shaken his head and asked Spock to stay. So he’d spent an hour meditating and had just laid down next to Jim when Jim jolted away, sitting up instantly, breathing in short, panicked pants.

Spock placed his hands on Jim’s chest to stay his movements. “I am here, Jim. I am here.”

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”

Jim doubled over, grabbing at his stomach and head.

“Jim, I am here. It was a nightmare.”

Jim’s gaze rose to Spock then, his eyes wild with fright and anguish. “So hungry. So hungry.”

“No, ashal-veh. You are no longer there. You are not hungry,” Spock said, pulling Jim close, his hand going to the back of Jim’s head, gently stroking.

“Fuck,” Jim said more softly and yet more painfully. “I hate that. I hate that so much.”

“It is my fault. I should not make you recite what happened.”

Jim shook his head. Pulled back a little. “I have these-these memory dreams a lot. Not just because of tonight. This…and other dreams.” He smiled ruefully though there were unshed tears in his eyes. “I’m really screwed up, Spock. You should know that.”

Spock closed his eyes and reached for Jim’s face. “I would ease your distress.”

“How?”

There was a light meld, far less evasive, but even as he began to prepare for it, Spock found himself suddenly in Jim’s mind. And he felt pain. Not pain from his memories of Tarsus IV but rather from when…

Spock’s hand slipped from his face and he stared at Jim in shock.

Jim stared right back. “You weren’t supposed to know that. In fact, how do you?”

“I-your mind called to me. Jim. You were hurt by my wishing to be part of the landing party to rescue the crew from Krall’s base.”

Jim grimaced. “Like I said, you weren’t supposed to know that.”

“You believe that I went only because Lieutenant Uhura was there.”

Jim scoffed at that. “You said so yourself.”

“My affection for Nyota remains despite our difficulties and the dissolution of our romantic relationship, but it has no detrimental effect to my regard for you.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“You do not believe me.”

Jim shrugged and wouldn’t look at him. “I just don’t think that if I was the one being held by Krall you would have insisted on being part of my rescue when you were injured.”

“That is not true.”

“Okay.”

But his word was not at all convincing.

Spock grabbed Jim’s arm. “I would not lie to you. I would have gone for you.”

“We’ll never really know.”

Spock’s lips thinned.

Jim sighed then and swung his legs out of the bed and stood. “That’s another way I’m fucked up, Spock. I’m never anyone’s choice. Not for long. Oh plenty want to have sex with me. But beyond that? Not so much.”

“Jim—”

“After Thomas’s father, Dr. Leighton, was abducted by the government, the military really, things changed between us. The intimacy we’d known was gone and Thomas withdrew from me. He no longer called me his boyfriend. We were barely even friends. And Mona…well, she was in denial about pretty much everything. We weren’t allowed to know the news there. Not at the Leighton house. Whenever Tom tried, she would stop him. So Thomas started sneaking off to the Riley house.

The riots were starting in the city. Or so we’d heard from Mary and Kevin. And they were getting ugly.”

 

“Helen’s whole family is gone,” Kevin whispered to Tom and Jim when they went to their house late one night.

“What do you mean gone?” Tom demanded.

“Just what he said,” Mary said, coming over. She had a hunk of bread in her hand which she divided between the four of them. “This is all I could spare. Mom didn’t want me to let you have anything.”

“What about Helen’s family?” Jim asked.

“They came in the night for them. Got them out of their bed and took them away.” Mary bit her lip. “That was three days ago.” She clutched Tom’s arm. “They burned their home.”

“Burned it?” he exclaimed.

She nodded. “Took them away and set the house ablaze. They can’t come back even if they want to.” She dropped her gaze. “Even if they could.”

“Kodos ordered this?”

She shook her head at Tom. “I guess. No one knows much about him. They say he’s very secretive. Last night there was another riot when they ran out of food at the food kitchens they set up.” She shivered. “They shut it down quick.”

“Shut it down how?” Jim wondered.

Mary glanced at her brother, then made a gun gesture to her head.

Tom blew out a breath but said nothing.

“What about the men who guard your farm?” Mary asked.

“They won’t let us near any of it,” Jim said. “They told Mona to keep us away. We haven’t had access for weeks.”

“Bet it’s tainted anyway,” Kevin said softly. He looked over his shoulder nervously. “Here comes Ma.”

Mrs. Riley came over then, looking both frightened and annoyed. “You go on home, Thomas Leighton. We want no trouble. You aren’t supposed to be out past the curfew.”

“Curfew?”

“Haven’t you heard? There’s a planet wide curfew. No one out past eight. You go on home. Both of you.”

Jim followed Tom out of the house and as they headed back to the Leighton farm, Jim tried grabbing Tom’s arm.

“Cut it out,” Tom said crossly, pulling away.

“But Tom, we should talk about what’s going on.”

“There’s nothing to talk about. You mind your business.”

As we approached the farm, Jim could hear the distant sound of air raid sirens.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note: this chapter was updated on February 21st. The notices that went out March 19 are a glitch. Sorry about that.

As time passed, Mona became more unstable. She hadn’t heard any update on Albert and she'd taken to drowning herself in alcohol.

The men who guarded the crops had taken whatever they could and then decimated whatever was left. Their land was left empty and destroyed before the men took off in large vehicles similar to military tanks of old.

Thomas had tried to stop them but there was little the teen could do and as his gaze followed their departure he visibly became more sullen and withdrawn.

After about five minutes of just standing in the yard, he turned to Jim. “I’m going to go find out what I can in the main city.”

“Okay. Want me to come with you?”

“No. You’ll hinder me.”

Jim tried not to be hurt by that. “What about your brothers?”

“What about them? I can’t take them.” Thomas scowled. He had a bag with him which told Jim he’d been planning this for a while.

“Your mom can’t handle them, Tommy.”

His eyes became colder. “Don’t call me that. Then you take care of them.”

“I don’t know anything about taking care of little kids,” Jim protested.

“Guess you’ll learn then, Jim. “ He picked up his bag and slung it over his shoulder. Hi gaze swept over the destroyed crops, the house, and finally Jim. “I didn’t want to come here, you know. The boys, they were born here on Tarsus. But me? We lived in Cincinnati. I liked it there. But Dad? He got it in his head to come here. And look what’s come of it.”

“Your dad couldn’t have known this would happen.”

Tom shrugged. “Maybe. I don’t know. What I do know is this place is a wasteland now. And I don’t know how I’m going to do it but I’ve got to find a way off this rock.”

Jim flicked his head in the direction of the house. “And them?”

“I’ll come back for them when I find a way,” Tom said softly.

Jim was startled when Tom actually stepped close and hugged him.

“See you, Jim.”

And then Tom started walking in the direction the men had gone.

Jim heard the sound of the door opening behind him and then the running feet of Tom’s brothers, Shane and Caleb. They stopped next to him and Jim looked down at them.

“Where’s he going, Jimmy?” Caleb asked.

“The city.”

“Go?”

“No, Shane. He’s doing this on his own.” Jim cleared his throat. “But he’ll be back. Don’t you worry.”

 “Jimmy, I’m hungry,” Shane said.

“Yeah, okay. Let’s go see what’s in the house.”

Jim put his hands on their shoulders and led them back to the house. Mona’s bedroom door was closed and he spotted an empty bottle of alcohol on the dining room table.

“Mommy’s sick,” Caleb whispered.

“Yeah.” He picked up the bottle and threw it in the trash on top of the others and then went into the kitchen.

He opened the fridge first and all he found was a jar of jam made from a native fruit that had been destroyed by the fungus some months back. And no matter how long he stared into the fridge nothing magically appeared. He picked up the jam and closed the door.

He moved onto the cabinets and found a half empty box of some oatmeal. They’d been eating oatmeal a lot lately. Jim was starting to hate it. But he took it out and set it on the counter.

Two days earlier the men who’d been guarding the crops had let them have some of the grain. Enough to make a small loaf of bread out of it. Jim pulled that out too.

Jim was far from stupid. With the crops gone there was no way they could survive on what was here. He’d feed what they had left to Shane and Caleb but then what would he do? What would Mona do? Was that why Thomas had left? To leave them to their fate?

He turned to the sink to get water to make the oatmeal and winced when he turned on the faucet. The water came out a light brown. He let it run for a while until it ran mostly clear. But Jim had a dreaded feeling that water would be the next thing to go.  

Jim made the oatmeal and divided it between the two boys and then gave them each a slice of the bread with the jam on it.  

“What about you?” Caleb asked.

Jim forced a smile and ignored the rumble of his own stomach. “Don’t worry about me. Just eat.”

He’d been hungry for days, really. Barely having anything to eat. And he could hardly eat over these two.

“When you’re done, we’ll get you two a bath and you can go to bed.”

“’kay.”

The boys ate and Jim got them cleaned and put to bed. He paused outside Mona’s door but he couldn’t hear anything. 

He cleaned himself then as best he could with the dirty water and went to bed wondering how long it would take to starve to death.

Jim was awakened in the middle of the night by frantic pounding on the door. He scrambled out of bed, still dressed in the clothes he’d worn that day, and noticed it was only two in the morning.

He hurried out to the living room and the front door.

He opened it to Kevin Riley.

Kevin’s eyes were wide and panicked, his skin a sickly white. “Jim!” he gasped. Then he fell into Jim’s arms, coughing.

“Kevin? What is it? What’s happened?”

“They-they came.” Kevin coughed.

“What? Who?’

“They took my parents and Mary. I-I hid. Momma said to.” Kevin fell to the ground in a coughing fit.

Jim noticed that Shane and Caleb had come out of their room and were now staring at Kevin and Jim in shock.

“They set it on fire, Jim. The house. I-I got out. They were gone. They took them away.”

Jim’s empty stomach flipped. “Jesus.”

“They’ll come here next, Jimmy,” Kevin clutched at him. “We have to get out of here. We have to go.”

Jim licked his lips. “Mona.” He glanced at her door. “Stay here.”

The three boys gathered together looking to Jim to lead them. Jim couldn’t focus on that. Not right now.

The knob on Mona’s bedroom door twisted easily. He entered the dark room and then flicked on the light. She lay on the bed, on her stomach.

“Mona? It’s Jim. Listen, we have to all pack up. The men-they’re coming.”

She didn’t respond.

Jim approached her. She was very still. He swallowed the bile that rose up into his throat.

“Mona?”

He shook her but she didn’t wake.

“Please. Please no. Please?”

But all the pleading was for naught. He turned her over and her eyes were staring straight ahead. There was vomit and blood coming out of her mouth.

What in the hell was he supposed to do now?

“Mommy?” Caleb asked from the doorway.

Jim turned to see all three boys standing there.

“Pack up whatever you can carry only. We have to get out of here. Now.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is actually the real update for today (03/19), which I actually just finished. The previous update was from February.
> 
> Chapter Warning: this chapter has material that may be disturbing to viewers, I urge caution when proceeding.

Spock could see the strain Jim was under remembering his time and he was becoming more and more concerned with the vacancy he saw in Jim’s eyes. This was not what he wanted when he thought to reveal his intentions with Jim. Seeing his young captain under such stress disturbed Spock to a high degrees.

“Jim, perhaps there is another time that is preferable to talk about this.”

Jim didn’t look at him, but stared down at his hands that were twisted together. “If I don’t tell you now I’m not sure I ever will, Spock. I won’t want to revisit this again.”

He found himself moving closer to the human. “Perhaps that is for the best.”

Jim visibly swallowed and his gaze finally rose to look at Spock. “If you really want to be with me—”

“I do,” Spock said quickly, before there could be any doubt.

“You need to know just why I am this way.”

For a  moment they just held gazes and then Spock nodded. “You mentioned something about New Year’s Eve.”

“Yeah. I suddenly had responsibility for three little kids, Kevin, Shane and Caleb.”

“You were a child yourself.”

“Tarsus had a way of changing that. That day Kodos and his government had a big celebration. Not that most people even knew what he looked like. He had a way of hiding from the people. All very mysterious. But while he was acting like the New Year was something to celebrate, evil permeated the landscape.”

“There were others on the run now. Looking for food. Looking for anything they could use, really. Most houses were abandoned. At least the ones away from the city. And those that weren’t…others came and attacked the occupants. I learned then how easy it was for people to turn against each other.”

 

“Jimmy.”

Jim looked around the corner of old shed that had seen better days. He’d heard something earlier. Voices. Gnawing noises. Someone had food. Or Jim thought so, anyway. But he didn’t know what type. Or how much.

It was almost impossible to find anything to eat. Crops they’d come across were tainted by the fungus. Houses they’d broken into had either already been ransacked for anything useable or the occupants had taken what they had with them. They were starving and Jim knew eventually it would be to death.

They’d managed to have a little bit of water but even that was becoming scarce.

“Jimmy.”

He felt the tug on his soiled shirt again and he looked down at Caleb. “I told you to shush.”

“But-when is Christmas?”

Jim frowned. “What?”  

Caleb pointed to the string of lights that were on the house they’d just been through. He hadn’t even noticed them. They weren’t lit or anything and judging by the dust and soot on them they must have been from last year at least. Back home he knew there were people who never took theirs down.

A lot had change in the last year. There would be no one celebrating some meaningless holiday now.

“I think we missed it, buddy.”

“Oh.” His lower lip stuck out, but he fell silent once more.

Jim listened and listened but he couldn’t hear whatever it was he’d heard earlier. Whoever it had been, they were likely gone now, moving on.

If he could get them to the city—

Well, Jim didn’t know what. They’d been walking and walking for days. Growing weaker all the time. And still they hadn’t reached it. Jim didn’t even know if they were headed in the right fucking direction. And he was so fucking tired.

“Let’s go.”

“Can’t we just stay here for the night?” Shane whined.

Jim hesitated. The house was pretty intact and not close to anything else. He could keep watch while they boys slept in real beds for the first time since they’d left the Leighton home. But there was something about this area that made him uneasy.

“We should move on.”

“But—”

“Don’t argue with Jimmy,” Kevin spoke up. “He’s in charge and knows what’s best for us. If he says let’s go, we go.”

“Okay,” Shane said in a small voice.

Jim grimaced as they started walking again, away from the house. He didn’t know what was best for them. He didn’t really know anything.

They’d only gotten a few hundred feet when suddenly two young guys appeared in front of them, maybe twenty or so. Jim turned and looked behind him and spotted three more guys around the same age. And a girly, maybe a couple years younger.

“What do we have here?” one of the guys in front asked.

“We don’t have any food,” Jim said.

“We’ll be the judge of that,” the guy snarled. “Petey, search them.”

One of the ones from behind came forward and began to yank on Shane.

“He’s just a kid, leave him alone,” Jim protested.

“Shut your mouth,” the apparent leader said.

Petey came to Jim and searched him, a nasty leer on his face. “They got nothing, Lew.”

Lew rubbed his chin. “Well, maybe they do at that.” He walked over to Shane and looked down at the boy.

“Leave him alone!” Jim said again, grabbing Shane and pulling him away from Lew.

“Give us that little one and we’ll let the rest of you go,” Lew said.

“What?”

“We can eat on that boy for days.” Lew smacked his lips. “Times are rough. We gotta improvise.”

Jim’s stomach twisted and bile rose to his throat. “He’s not up for offering.”

“We’ll kill you all if you don’t give us him. Don’t be stupid, kid.”

Jim took a step back, clutching Shane. What was he supposed to do? He couldn’t, wouldn’t let them take Shane. He could offer himself, but then who would take care of the little ones if he was dead?

_Fuck_.

He felt the sting of tears burn his eyes. He was going to be sick.

 

“Jim! Jim!”

Spock was shaking him. He had curled up into a ball on the sofa in his room and he was crying.

“Jim, you are here. You are here. Not there. Please.”

He stared at Spock. “Oh, God.”

Spock pulled him close. “You do not have to tell. Please. You do not.”

He clung to Spock, trying to get his breathing under control. But he was panicking, freaking out.

“Spock. Spock.”

“Shh. Ashayam.”

“I didn’t,” Jim gasped out.

“Didn’t?”

“Give them Shane.”

Spock’s arms tightened around him. “I never thought you did.”

“But it’s worse. Worse.”

He could feel tremors wracking through his body or maybe they came from Spock. Both of them. He grasped Spock’s hand and put it on his face.

“Jim?”

“This part…I can’t say. Will you-will you look?”

Spock’s dark eyes bore into his. “Yes, Jim. I will look.”   
 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter depicts instances of graphic violence and implied sexual assault.

Spock’s fingers shook as he softly said, “My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts…”

 

“Jim?” Shane’s little voice quivered as he tried to squish himself closer to Jim.

Jim put his arm around Shane’s chest. “Don’t worry. There’s no need to be scared.”

Lew took a menacing step forward and as Jim braced himself to offer his own life for Shane suddenly Lew’s head splattered open, cleaved in half. Jim gasped and stumbled backwards, landing on his ass on the ground and pulling Shane with him.    

As he watched, covering Shane’s eyes with his hands in the process, each one of the remaining thugs was taken out with phaser fire. He noticed Kevin and Caleb cowering nearby.

Thomas appeared, still holding a blood-stained axe, a phaser shoved into the waistband of his pants. His face, lean and gaunt,  was smudged with dirt and his eyes were wild as he stared down at Jim and his little brother.

“Thomas,” Jim whispered. Shane still clutched at him desperately and Jim attempted to soothe him.

Thomas threw down the axe and reached his hand toward Jim. He took it and allowed Thomas to pull him and Shane up from the ground.

“Where’d you come from?” Jim asked.

“I’ve been looking for all of you,” Thomas replied, his voice gruff. “I went back to the house but all I found were ruins.”

Jim helped Kevin and Caleb to stand. “Your mother—”

Thomas nodded. “I figured.” He towed one of the guys he’d phasered. “We’d better keep moving. There’s a barn a few miles that way. We can shelter there for the night.”

“A few miles?” Kevin exclaimed. “I’m so tired.”

“Can’t be helped. Like I said, we need to keep moving. These idiots will wake up any time and they won’t be happy with what happened to their leader.”

Jim tried not to look at what used to be Lew. But he could still smell the blood. It made him want to gag. He turned Shane, Caleb, and Kevin away with hands on their shoulders and made to follow after Thomas.

“I’m hungry,” Caleb spoke up after about ten minutes.

“I’ve got a couple of hunks of bread in my backpack,” Thomas replied. ”We’ll eat when we reach the barn.”

As they traipsed through the dark, stumbling often as they had no lights, Jim kept surveying the hills and paths around them. He was on alert now that they’d been confronted once by others. There could be anyone out there.

He saw a flash of light to the right just as Thomas stopped in front of him. Jim ran into his back.

“Hey—”

“Shh,” Thomas whispered harshly.

A woman screamed. Again and again. They heard sounds of a struggle.

“Thomas—”

“Shut up.”

Jim felt sick. “But-but I think they’re hurting her.”

“Yeah and if you interfere they’ll hurt you instead. Or one of the young ones. Is that what you want?” Thomas whispered furiously.

Several more screams.

Jim moved forward. “I can’t.”

Thomas grabbed his arm. “Now isn’t the time to play hero, Jim.”

The screaming stopped abruptly. Then came the sounds of crunching bones.

Jim did gag this time as his eyes blurred with stinging tears.

“It’s over,” Thomas said flatly. “Keep moving.”

Jim grabbed the hands of Shane and Caleb just because he had to have something to do or he might collapse on the ground just then. They clung to him and he could hear their whimpering. Behind him Kevin was struggling to keep up.

“Keep up, Kevin,” Thomas called over his shoulder. “You’re falling behind.”

“I’m so tired,” Kevin said weakly. “I’m having trouble feeling my legs.”

“You’ve got to try. No one can carry you and if you can’t move yourself, you get left.” Thomas’ voice was so cold and harsh Jim barely recognized it. Or Thomas for that matter.

Jim wondered if it were possible for him to carry Kevin. The boy wasn’t that much younger than Jim and he wasn’t that small size wise, except for  all the weight he’d lost, but Jim would struggle through it rather than leave Kevin or anyone else behind.

But he was relieved when Kevin continued to manage, mostly keeping up, and only stumbling to his knees a couple of times. 

Jim’s own legs felt strangely numb as they finally saw the barn Thomas spoke about in the distance.  It still seemed so far away but seeing it gave Thomas renewed energy and he walked far ahead of Jim and the younger boys.

On and on they seemed to walk and the barn seemed torn between being a beacon or a mirage. And when Jim finally reached the edge of the property where the barn lay, his own legs gave out and he collapsed to the ground with a dry hoarse cry torn from his throat and a crack of too thin bones.

“Jimmy!” Shane exclaimed, throwing his puny little arms around Jim’s neck. “Get up. We hafta go”

Jim tried to smile through the pain of his fall. “Give me  a moment.”

Thomas came back from having inspected the barn. “No, now. You can rest in the barn. No one’s there.”

Jim didn’t know how he did it, how he found the strength, but he forced himself up, to his feet again and this time allowed the younger boys to help him back the last few feet to the barn.

“What is this place?” Jim asked as they approached.

“Abandoned feed storage barn,” Thomas replied. “No need for it now.” He slunk his backpack down on the dirty dusty ground of the barn. “We can stay here a few hours, anyway. Then we should keep moving before dawn.”

Jim sunk down onto the ground. He flicked his head toward Shane, Caleb, and Kevin. “They need more sleep than a few hours.”

“We all do.” Thomas shrugged. “But we do what’s necessary.” He dug into his bag and handed a chunk of stale bread to Jim. “Eat this.” He pushed it at Jim and then also handed him a tiny packet of peanut butter. “And this.”

Jim took it and glanced at the kids. “It should go to them.”

“They’ll get their own. You need to eat. Just do it, Jim. It will barely make a dent anyway.”

Jim looked down at the bread and saw signs of mold and wondered if it wasn’t contaminated by the fungus anyway. But he tore open the peanut butter packet and squeezed the tiny amount on to the bread. His eyes blurred a little as he took the first bite. He couldn’t even taste it. It tasted like nothing. But he ate it. The whole thing, in like three bites. Afterward, his stomach felt queasy and he hoped he would manage to keep it down.

He watched the others eat theirs and thought maybe he should ask Thomas where he’d gotten any of it but then after remembering Thomas with the axe, Jim thought maybe he didn’t want to know.

After a while his eyelids got heavy and he couldn’t keep them open and he sort of remembered Thomas saying he’d keep watch, so Jim let himself drift off.

He didn’t know how long he’d been asleep when he was startled awake. He sat up and looked around and notice Thomas wasn’t there. Shane, Caleb and Kevin still slept nearby. Jim struggled to his feet, ignoring the pain as he did  so and went out the barn doors in search of Thomas.

For several minutes he saw no sign of Thomas, but then he spotted movement on the edge of the land to the right. Jim headed over.

“Thomas?” he whispered.

Thomas glanced at him. “What are you doing awake?”

“I don’t know. Something woke me. What are you doing?”

“Noises. Voices. I think those guys might be back.”

“What guys?”

“The ones that tried to take Shane.” Thomas grimaced. “I should have killed them all.”

Jim put his hand on Thomas’ sleeve. “You’re not a killer.”

He stared hard at Jim. “You don’t know anything about me now, Jim.”

“That’s true but—”

Thomas shook his head. “I’ve done things. Things to survive. You would hate them.” Thomas moved a little closer to Jim. He put his hand on Jim’s face. It was dirty and grimy and probably had blood on it but Jim didn’t move away. “You’re so pretty. Even now. Pretty and brave. And way better than this planet deserves. Better than I deserve.”

“Thomas—”

“Hey, what are you guys doing out here?” Kevin demanded as he walked up to us.

Thomas’ hand dropped from Jim’s face. “Why aren’t you sleeping?”

Kevin shrugged. “I woke up. Shane and Caleb are still really out.”

Thomas nodded. “All right. I thought I heard some noises but I don’t see anything.”

Jim looked around. There was no light that he could see except maybe way far in the distance and that might have even been from the main city.

“You smell smoke?” Kevin suddenly asked.

Thomas went very still. “Yeah I do.”

They all turned in the direction of the barn just as flames began to shoot up from it. They heard laughing and running.

Jim’s heart thundered as Thomas took off running. Jim and Kevin followed after him, Jim feeling winded and sick.

The fire spread fast over the barn and as they approached the door, Jim saw that it had been closed with a two by four across the door to prevent it from being opened from the inside.

“Shane! Caleb!” Thomas shouted. Then he began to cough from the smoke billowing around them. He went for the two by four.

“No, you’ll get burned,” Jim said, trying to pull him away.

Thomas shot Jim an angry look and ripped off his jacket which he used to protect his hands to get the wood off and the door open. The inside of the barn raged with smoke and fire.

“Thomas! No,” Jim said, brokenly.

“Get out of my way.”

Jim and Kevin watched as Thomas ran into the burning barn.

“Fuck,” Jim cried out. The smoke was blinding him. He hunched over and coughed.

Kevin grabbed at him. “Jim, we should stand away. The smoke—”

Thomas and the boys were not coming out.

Tears stung his eyes. Should he go in after them? He took a step forward.

“No!” Kevin dug his fingers into Jim’s arm. “If you go in there, you’ll burn too.”

And then there was a loud crackling as the roof began to cave in. Thomas suddenly emerged, his clothes and hair on fire.

Jim and Kevin rushed for him, knocking him to the ground and rolling him in the dirt. Jim took off his own coat and used it to put out the flames.

He turned Thomas over. One half of his face was burned badly. Jim turned and retched.

“Jim, Jim, we have to get him help. He needs a-a doctor. We have to—” Kevin was crying. Barely coherent.

Jim nodded, his gaze rising to the crumbling barn that held two little boys who would never grow up. And he couldn’t save them. This was his fault. Surely.

“Jim.” Kevin shook him. “Someone’s coming.”

Jim turned in time to see a group of men approaching them.

“He’s hurt,” Kevin told them. “He needs help.”

A man with silvery eyes looked down at them, his gaze on Thomas. “You’re coming with us.”

“To where?” Jim asked.

“The city. And Governor Kodos. You’ll be sorted there.” He called to his men, “Take them.”


	10. Chapter 10

Jim watched the tall bearded man standing in front of a mirror practicing a speech. He had been brought into the man’s room not that long ago, but in spite knowing of Jim’s presence, the man with the dark brown beard had thus far ignored him.

“Tonight we welcome in a New Year and with that New Year, there are changes that will be coming to our fair planet. They will be difficult choices, but they are necessary. Some of you will have a prosperous New Year, but most of you will not.”

The man straightened and peered closer at his reflection. He was dressed in long beige robes with a sort of long blue vest overtop. He looked like an old preacher or something, but Jim had been told he was Governor Kodos. Jim couldn’t remember ever seeing him before, though he’d heard his voice over the airwaves and it sounded the same from what he’d heard.

He wasn’t sure why he was here. When the soldiers brought them, they’d taken Thomas somewhere to be treated, Jim imagined, and Kevin off in another direction. He’d been brought here.

So abruptly did Kodos turn from the mirror and his attention on Jim, that Jim took a startled step backward.

“Hello Jim.”

Jim said nothing.

Kodos smiled. It was not at all friendly. “The proper thing to do when you are spoken to is respond in kind. And so I say again, Hello Jim.”

“Hello.”

“Better but not quite right. You are to say, Hello Sir. Try it.”

Jim swallowed. He wanted to be defiant but there was something cold and sinister in the man’s eyes that made him obey. “Hello Sir.”

“Very good.” Kodos beckoned him. “Over here, Jim.”

There was a table next to a bed and upon the table there were trays of food laid out. Breads, meats, fruits. More than anything Jim had seen in a long time.

“Here you are. Eat.”

“You have all this food and yet people are starving.”

Kodos shrugged. “It is not enough to feed the people with.” He picked up what looked like a peach and handed it to Jim. “Eat.”

Jim took it and stared at it.

“I will force feed you if it is necessary. You will not find it pleasant though.”

Jim took a bite of the juice fruit and then several more until it was finished and he held only the pit.

“Discard it there in the receptacle.” Kodos pointed. “Shortly, you will eat more but for now, we will talk. Sit on the bed, Jim.”

Reluctantly, he did so.

“What did you think of my speech?”

“Are you going to give it tonight?’

“That is my plan. I don’t know whether to give it in person or make it a recording like the others. You see I enjoy being a man of mystery. Very few residents of the planet have actually been privileged to see me. You have been given that privilege.”

Jim again said nothing.

Kodos sighed and went to where he sat. He grabbed Jim’s hair and yanked his head back hard. “Say ‘thank you sir’.”

“Thank you sir.”

Kodos released his hair and pushed at Jim’s head. “You will learn obedience, boy. Or you and your friends will pay the price for your insolence.”

He turned his back on Jim and went to the table with the food. He picked up a slice of bread and returned to Jim. “Eat this.”

Jim took it and bit into it.

“Good, boy. Eat every last bite.” Kodos sat on the bed next to Jim and reached over to begin to stroke Jim’s hair. “You are very beautiful, you know. When I saw your file, I immediately thought so.” He chuckled. “Yes, there are files on everyone on Tarsus. I knew then that you had to be one of the ones that got saved. You are far too perfect to let die.”

Jim said nothing but this time Kodos didn’t seem to expect him to say anything.

“It was my intention to keep Thomas alive as well. He’s as brilliant as his father, perhaps more so. But I am told his injuries are severe so whether he will make it, remains to be seen.” Kodos moved his hand to Jim’s face, his fingertips caressing Jim’s cheek. “But your friend, Kevin Riley, was not to fare so well.”

“Did you hurt him?” Jim asked.

His thumb brushed Jim’s bottom lip and Jim barely held back his shudder of revulsion.

“Not yet. And I will not if you do everything you are told, Jim.” He shoved his thumb into Jim’s mouth, prying it open. “For example, today, in order to spare his life, you will suck my cock to completion. I will decide tomorrow what tomorrow’s price will be.”

Jim was shaking now. And he could no longer hide his revulsion. “No. I-I don’t want to.”

Kodos arched his brows. “No? Then I suppose I will rise and order the death of Kevin Riley at once. There are chambers, Jim. Don’t worry it will be relatively painless when he is put to death. I will be sure to let him know, however, that his death came because of you.”

Jim blinked at the tears that sprang to his eyes. Suddenly he only wished that he had died in that burning barn with Caleb and Shane. That would have been preferable to this.

“I’ll do it,” Jim whispered, his stomach twisting painfully.

“I thought you might. Kneel before me.”

Jim dropped to the floor in front of where Kodos sat.  He pushed up the man’s robes, high, to his waist. He reached in and pulled out Kodos' hardness. It was ugly and red. He closed his eyes.

"With your eyes open, I think."

 

Jim gasped as Spock broke the meld, his fingers dropping from Jim’s face. Spock’s eyes were leaking tears and feeling the wetness of his own face, Jim knew he was crying too.

“I can’t, God, it’s too much,” Jim said, unable to hold back a sob.

“I will not make you,” Spock assured him, pulling him close. “It is…you are right. It is too much. I cannot see anymore.”

“I’m sorry,” Jim said against Spock’s neck. “I’m sorry you had to see that.” He couldn’t breathe. His chest felt tight.

“Jim, ashaya, I am sorry you had to go through that. That you lived, that you are the amazing man that you are…” Spock broke off. His voice cracked. “You are so cherished.”

“I hate it. I hate remembering that. I hate New Year’s. And Christmas too. All I can think of is Caleb asking me if it’s Christmas.” Jim pulled back, looking at Spock. His eyes stung with the tears and he was still having trouble catching his breath. “I shouldn’t have started this. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Spock closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against Jim’s. “You are my heart. It took me far too long to come to terms with that but it is beyond true. I cherish thee beyond all others.” He opened his eyes, pulled back, and stared into Jim’s. “If-If you will allow it, I will ease your memories of that time.”

“Ease?” Jim whispered.

“There is a Vulcan method. I would join our minds and send them to a place not easily accessible.”

“Will it hurt? Either of us?”

“No.” Spock kissed Jim’s lips lightly. “There are two methods. One would make you forget and the other is this one. They will be there, but they will no longer harm you with their pain and bitterness.”

Jim swallowed, and then licked his lips. After a while, he nodded. “Let’s do it.”

Spock put his hand on Jim’s face and spread his fingers out. He spoke quietly in Vulcan words Jim did not know. And then-

_Spock?_

_Yes, my love. My Jim._

_I feel you._

_Yes and I you._

Fingertips touched memories like the wings of a butterfly, sorting through them, and as each finger found the one it sought, it was swept away, floating away to the side. One after the other the memories were tossed.

_I feel warm. Light. Spock._

_Jim?_

_This is amazing. I love you._

_One and together, Jim._

_Yes._

Jim opened his eyes as Spock gently disengaged. His heart felt light and he was smiling. “God, that was incredible. Is it supposed to feel like that?”

Spock’s eyes were a little wide. “When you share it with your t’hy’la, yes.”

Jim’s smile widened. “What’s that?”

“Jim. I-I believe I may have possibly…”

“What?”

Spock cleared his throat. “The memories? Are they gone?”

Jim searched. He felt good. Better than he had in ages. And though he was pretty sure if he poked and prodded enough, he could find his Tarsus memories, he found that he didn’t want to try. They were safely buried away.

“Yes,” he said, breathlessly. “God, I love Vulcans.”

“I hope one specifically.”

“More than you’ll ever know.”

Spock took Jim’s hand. “I feel it. It is wondrous.”

“Will you-will you take me to bed?” Jim asked, suddenly feeling shy.

“I would like nothing more, but Jim, about our meld—”

“Later. After.” Jim drew Spock to his bed, tugging at their clothing as he went. “Right now I just want to have you all over me.”

He felt Spock tremble as he removed Spock’s shirt.

“Is this okay?”

Spock exhaled slowly. “Ashaya, it is more than okay. I have wanted-I have wanted—”

“Shh, it’s all right, sweetheart,” Jim said kissing the corner of Spock’s mouth and then following that with his tongue tracing along the seam of Spock’s lips. “Anything and everything we do. It’s all right. It’s us. Only us.”

“For always,” Spock whispered.

Jim pushed Spock onto his back. He leaned over him and placed a soft kiss on Spock’s nipple. Spock sucked in a breath. “For always.”

Jim wrapped his hand around Spock’s slippery erection. “You have the most beautiful fucking cock I’ve ever seen.”

“Jim.” Spock was flushed green.

He laughed. “And damn, truer words were never spoken. This cock was made for fucking. Me.”

He straddled Spock and spread himself wide as he lowered himself down onto Spock’s shaft.

They cried out as one.

“Jim,” Spock moaned.

“Uh-huh.”

“About t’hy’la.”

“Really? Now?” Jim began to fuck himself on Spock’s big cock.

“The meld—”

Jim sighed as Spock thrust up into his ass. “Oh, yeah. The meld.”

“We are—”

“We are…” Spock broke off and swore rapidly in Vulcan, or Jim assumed it was, and he began to pound upward so powerfully into Jim’s channel, that Jim had to grip him tight to stay on.

“Oh, fuck me. Spock, I’m gonna—” Jim fisted his own cock, pumping it frantically, leaning his head back on a cry of release as he felt Spock empty into him.

He fell upon Spock, wrapping his arms around his Vulcan. Spock was kissing him.  Butterfly kisses everywhere. All over Jim’s face, eyelids, hair.

“I don’t care about when all that stuff on Tarsus began anymore,” Jim whispered. “All I care about is when you and I began.”

“Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.”

“More Vulcan words.”

“It is similar to your sentiment of love.”

Jim smiled. “What were you trying to say before?”

Spock tensed ever so slightly. “I think we may have just married.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.


End file.
